Sardonic Humor Lovers Pillows

'When I was hired, the boss asked if I could handle a job with lots of accountability, and like an idiot, I said 'Yes!''

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

Congratulations

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

I survived the wrath of god on judgment day and all i got was this lousy t-shirt!

"But attendance is up."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

"This is the most transparent administration in history..."

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

T.S. Eliot calendar.

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

Good news - we've found your car.

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'My life is a joke.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

How Human Nature Works: 'Ok...Now I'm worried.'