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The First Fire Stick

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Caesar salad?'

I clawed my way to the top and all they gave me at the end was a manicure.

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Tap water?! As if.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'Hey, I know how to stop famine and poverty! Let's have lunch and after that, we go on making money!'

"They don't call it 'The Boulevard of Broken Dreams' for nothing, kid."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"Thanks for your meaningful application. When can you start?"

"Dad, I'm nearly eighteen. I'm old enough to get divorce if I want"

"Will you stop doing that please? Isn't it obvious to you that I just don't fancy him?!"

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

"So, we've processed your loan application and I'm afraid that it doesn't look too promising!"

'Now known as 'Christmas Creep', it takes place earlier each year!'

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

Chatterbox Monkey

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

I wandered lonely as a cloud in the shape of an insufferable jerk no one could stand to be around.

"A dry heat - no problem. But this humidity."

"The smile is courtesy of Photoshop."

"I've been praying for an excuse not to go Christmas shopping."

Weight loss programme.

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'