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"You're behind on your mortgage, you're unemployed and you owe back taxes." "That's not what they mean when they say, 'Apply pressure.'"

"I'd arrest you for D.U.I. if I could find the rest of your car!"

'I get no respect... anywhere.'

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

'You're arrogant, pig-headed and have no communication skills -have you thought of a career in intelligence?'

"I bet that under your preachy, holier-than-thou attitude is another preachy, holier-than-thou attitude."

"If art was meant to be understood by the common man then the common man would have taken a degree in art appreciation."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."