Revenue Raiser Pillows

"A good quarter is a joy forever."

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

"We only got six days of funding."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Bad things happen to people who don't buy my cookies, Sir."

"I'm in nonprofit work for the money."

"He says he wants to see the actual brick he donated."

'The best grants lie that-a-ways, Ma'am.'

'Al, this is Jack. He's with the Committee to Eliminate the Board of Education. Jack, this is Al. He's with the Committee to Increase Funding for the Board of Education.'

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

Spoiler alert: most of my presentation is actually a series of trigger warnings.

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

'Do you think now's a good time to ask for a raise?' - 'I wouldn't if I was you. She gave me one this morning.'

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

The nonprofit dog fight.

'Sorry - I only donate big.'

"The nonprofit competitive grant season begins

"So what is worse than us being trashed after the shootings in the Charleston AME church?! I mean...it's the only thing on the news."

"What are we doing wrong?"

Father changing nappy, "Heir freshener"

'I'm getting a head start for Movember.'

'Well, well. You made more money last year than you did the year before -- You people never learn, do you?'

'Please help, ma'am. I need support to write my Ph.D. dissertation on 'Successful fund-raising techniques'.'

'Evolution may be a good idea, but how will we FUND it?'

Hug Your Boss (Use the Opportunity for the Power of Suggestion).

"We need volunteers for the car chasing fund raiser."

Appeals

'So then the alien stepped out of the UFO and said that he was a fundraiser from another planet, which was quite novel, I thought.'

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

'Profit or non-profit?'

"I do a lot for charity but I don't like to talk about it. . ."

Professional Fund Riasers

"I am not a candidate. Just ask my campaign manager, press aides and fund raisers."