Retired Couple Pillows

"Never ask a retired archaeologist to go find something in the basement."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Cry babies.

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

Couples' therapy

His Her Cakes

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'We'd just like to get away from all leading economic indicators for a while.'

"... Oh, don't worry, I won't 'overcook it'... I hope you like, sushi."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Wish I could do that." "Better give him a dog treat and a bath first."

Sulk Shows

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."

'Choose, Fenster

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

Lots of shiny glass objects! Darling, you're spoiling me!

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"Get a tomb!"

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"Yeah well, now that we're married, he's not making any effort: he hasn't been to a grooming appointment in months!"

"Dr. Stolner says it might be nice if I let you see my dark side."