Resume Referee Prints

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'I'd better make a note of your blood group...'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

"With the prices they charge these days I can't afford to throw a pie or can off beer at the ref."

But does he dust anything at our home? Noooo

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

Yeah, I've been driving in circles for an hour looking for a place to park. Zamboni.

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Now what?!'

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

'That's a personal foul, roughing the passer!'