Reluctant Renovator T-Shirts

Sundayafternoon Carpenters

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

"I am not asking for directions."

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

Telling Self to Buzz Off

House Painter gets stuck to the ceiling.

"What ever happened with that old shack you bought in the woods? You were going to rehab and flip it."

"It's the first responders wondering when you'll be needing their services this weekend..."

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

'I'm sorry I didn't come to work yesterday, sir -- somehow, it seemed like Sunday.'

'Why is it the one moment I choose to relax you walk in?'

"You're going to the Partner's Social whether you like it or not!"

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

"Should I fix it or call it a water feature?"

'Dang it Sharif, I told you we shouldn't built the jacuzzi on an ancient bee burial ground.'

"It's just now starting to get comfortable. Why would I want to buy a new chair?"

'I'm home from a mind-numbing day at the office, ready to watch some mind-numbing TV.'

Ladder Painting

"That'll teach you for buying cheap paintbrushes!!"

This week, House Manager Blowviatt has been asked to avoid the appearance of playing to the cameras.

Would you mind stepping into my office, Potter.

"I can catch up with all the chores my wife wants done over the Labor Day weekend."

"Some days I think of retiring. But at my age, I'm not sure I'm up to it."

'Sailing, it's a sport that doesn't float my boat.'

Armstrong, I've worked here for a long time and I think I deserve a raise. How about it? I'll give you an Indian Ocean raise, minion. How does an Indian Ocean raise of $2 an hour sound? Fun fact: The Indiana Ocean's on the opposite side of the world, so its "up" is our "down." I don't think that's how "up" works, boss. "Relativity" is just a theory.

"I didn't hear Bill Clinton say it was time for me to change."

'I love Saturdays. . . why couldn't this happen on Monday and ruin a work day?'

'I need to write a list of things to do, but I just can't get around to doing it.'

Pulling a Sickie.

"My dishwasher isn't working. He got fired yesterday."

The Fierce Urgency of Now

A brand new day finds Fred, as usual, happily sitting on the sidelines of his own life.

"They never showed up-they were the perfect guests."