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"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

STILL LIVES - Bolt: 'It's like we were made for one another!'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

"We don't talk anymore."

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"When you look at me, Alice, what do you see?"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

WHO checklist

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"The best thing about our relationship is that we keep growing together."

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

"When it comes to loving someone, I never seem to get it right."

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

(Diamonds shining, … Dancing, dining, …with some man in a restaurant. Is that all you really want?) (Are you making this up?) (Unsophisticated Lady)

"It will be all your fault."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

A Reasonable Time for Concern

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'

Opinion Dislodgement Disorder (ODD).