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"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

STILL LIVES - Bolt: 'It's like we were made for one another!'

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

"We don't talk anymore."

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

WHO checklist

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"When you look at me, Alice, what do you see?"

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"When it comes to loving someone, I never seem to get it right."

"It will be all your fault."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

A Reasonable Time for Concern

'How long have you been fighting?'

Opinion Dislodgement Disorder (ODD).

'Oh, we don't keep score in our marriage, Dr. Downs, but if we did, I'd be winning 212 to 137.'