Real Estate Appraiser Pillows

"Okay, your story checks out. You're not a Peeping Tom, you're just a creepy real estate appraiser."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

At first I thought it was just coincidence, but then I realized it corresponded directly to your shift.

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

"Thrilling news, sweetie! The National Gallery's entire collection of Velázquez is now attributed to you."

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'Have you any idea just how little this is worth?'

"A hole half this size sold for 340,000 acorns last week! No inspection!"

"I've had you appraised."

"You're unlikely to find anyplace on the market that is truly impregnable."

"This one has nicer sand, but I think I prefer the tree on the last one we saw."

"Darling, there's an offer for a time-share nest in Florida: Should we apply?"

"It's obviously an original."

Dog Realtor

'What are they worth? Well, it's difficult to put a price on such extraordinary works of art. How much you got?'

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).

"Can you guess how much it will be worth after you die?"

'I don't think firms need to worry about borrowing money as long as the money is invested wisely.'

I brake for anything discarded that I can bring to the antiques roadshow.

'BBC Antics Roadshow'.

Frenchy Fries, one of the world's greatest art forgers

"Okay, so the current occupants are being tormented by supernatural forces, but they do agree to pay closing costs."

'I highly recommend this painting if you're into art as an investment.'

'At least this means we won't need a coal mining search.'

"It's too good. I think it's going to be a forgery, not just a copy."

'Now we come to what it would have been worth'

'I suspect, Madam, that this Van Gogh is a forgery.'

'Well, it WAS worth nine thousand dollars. Sorry about that.'

"We're sitting on a landbank that could accommodate tens of thousands of new homes. We can wait a few years and generate even more profit..."

Scientist with model of a house in a test tube.

Antiques Store with a bin outside with a sign saying 'Not for Sale'.

Valuation of Heaven

“What we have here is an old moral compass. How did it come into your possession?”

Mondrian's The Accountant