Quirky Etiquette Fans Pillows

"I wish you'd shut that door! - Were you born in a barn??"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Don't get up!'

"More?"

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

'D'you have any salt?'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."