Punday Humorist Pillows

"Out, damn'd Spot, out I say! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"The note in the bottle said someone's stranded here, but where is he?"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Glance Exchange

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

No Soliciting

'My 'What I Did Over The Weekend' report is about my hunting a 17,000 pound moose, deep inside Canada.Some or all of this report has been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"How about a hand."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

Self Help / Elf Help.

Monday: Next 7 exits.

"I cross the road to forget."

'The Lemming Book Store'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'You can't come in here with that.'

'Please keep in mind this is only a 'ruff' copy.'