Pretentious Eater Prints

'You call that restaurant upscale? I couldn't even get a pitcher of Champagne.'

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"Oh, this old thing?"

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

Pizza with Extra Extra Cheese.

"Young man, the world is your oyster, but for God�s sake avoid peanuts, soy, milk, eggs, wheat, fish, tree nuts, and chocolate."

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

Prune Eating Contest: Last Man Standing.

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Frankly, I don't believe his tastevin is in the repair shop."

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

"I'll have the crescent-crab 'purses' and the smoked duck 'hash' – hold the quotation marks."

"We grind our own catnip."

Art Pets

"Revelatory, Michael - such airy meatballs."

'I should know who he is! His work is in every gallery I go into.'

All you can eat buffet...speed limit: 750 calories per minute

'Two more strawberry creams and that's my ' five a day' taken care of....'

'Can I get you anything else, sir?'

Food-Snob Fear Factor

'Joe's Junk Food.' 'At least he's honest.'

Bear in hotdog eating contest.

It occurred to Norman that he was using far, far too much salt.

'Bad news... all our tests came back with you as delicious.'

I say if life gives you tapens, make tapenade.

"Lady, I didn't go to barista school just to serve you black coffee."