Politeness Expert Pillows

"Passive-aggressive musical chairs." "You sit. I don’t deserve to" "I couldn’t possibly." "Maybe two of us could share." "Someone else go first." "I actually prefer standing."

'No... you first.'

'I can't think of a polite way to ask Joaquin Phoenix to get off of our couch.'

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Hipsters"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Nice talking to you too, even if you are a recorded message."

"Discussion topic: Is our society becoming less civil and more violent?"

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

How to Do Small Talk??!!

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

The merger hits a snag.

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

Ladies' Game

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

"Let it breathe for an hour, to bring out the best home-truths."

"Hello moon, the sun sends his regards."

"I don't mind getting email from you, Stevens. But don't ever send me another smiley-face emoji."

Politeness opens doors