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'You see, Doctor, we've never had any children...

'He's never going to graduate. How about giving him an honorary degree instead?'

'And here's something for the dog.'

Dog Day Afternoon

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"Ed woke each morning at dawn to feed his pets, and each morning at dawn, Bruno and Luna frightened Ed. Yaaaaa! Wha? Who's there?!"

This is Roscoe, our first pooch

"He's so old I usually let him do what he wants."

'No, but next week, the fireworks start in earnest.'

"He's a laptop dog!"

'Mutt is very insulting and definitely politically incorrect, but where do I find an animal rights attorney at this hour of the night?'

"You won't find a better breed if it's affection you're looking for."

'I know it's wrong, but it feels so right'

''No' means, 'Don't do that while I'm in the room.''

"You know as well as I do that we don't go for a walk until after lunch,"

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

Caveman's dog with head outside car window.

"Don't even think about it."

I'm beginning to regret buying that Roomba.

Christmas Pets

"Your love gives me strength."

"All you're doing is emboldening cats."

"I see you mister mail carrier... that's it, just keep walking... don't even think abo—did you just look at my house?! Are you looking for trouble? Cujo ain't got #!@* on me."

"Humans are strange."

'Now, you're new here, but you should know the rules: I get Master's newspaper and slippers! Got that?'

Chasebook

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

Separation

'Oh that just means he wants you to rub his tummy.'

Dog Day Afternoon

"Cat park"

But it's the other leg that hurts.

Examination.

"Thank goodness for pet doors because the alarm on my piddle clock was about to ring on the rug."

The Tutankhamen Expedition 1908 (The Economy Version).