Performance Review Survivor Mugs

From the moment John stepped into the room, he knew something was up.

'You had a good idea in our staff meeting yesterday. So, the church sent someone over to witness the miracle.'

'My performance review went well. Those incriminating emails I had were very useful.'

"Average sales figures, average customer satisfaction, average punctuality. Mediocrity is certainly one of your major strengths, Jenkins."

'Works well under heavy & constant supervision.'

'They accused me of dogging it at work.'

'He gives his heart and soul to every annual performance review.'

Thanks For Not Firing Me Cards

"Have you met your target?"

"Mr. Rod gave me my employee review. He said I totally 'meet expectations'."

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

"There'd be a lot less hemming and hawing if you did a better job of flimming and flamming."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

Evil Exams!

I'm not making enough money to like you.

"Yes, you have given 100% to this company. But, over the five years you've worked here that's only 20% a year."

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"I find it so stimulating to learn new software."

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

Targets.

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

Business Target