Patent Fan Prints

Inventor of a time travel machine

'What zip code are we in now?'

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

Time Machine Collision

"Someday, these will be installed in every home and business that wants to seem artsy."

Toddler Feeding Solutions

"I didn't take anyone's job. This is my company."

Primordial Schmooze

"Barbara, will you check your texts for a ring emoji?"

"I'm going to be rich, famous, and irresistible to the opposite sex any day now, Randy." "I think you've had one too many hot cocas, little buddy." "No, really. I've written a note for my descendants and buried it in a time capsule in my backyard." "Once they read it, they'll time-travel back to the 20th century and genetically engineer my embryonic self." "They'll bestow me with superhuman charisma, epic good looks, and money-management skills." "You're forgetting that to have descend

"We've made significant progress in T-shirt cannon technology."

Damn. Out of quarters again for the Pay Electron Microscope.

'I think scroll sounds better than 'continuous media,''

'Hey...here's a hot prospect...likes catching frisbees, chasing squirrels, rolling in smelly stuff...'

Migration Music

"But you both can't be the 'father' of Ammonium Pentoxide Phosphate."

'I don't know whether we should call the world pres or keep quiet?'

"It appears you have a virus."

'He's not a 'bad' phone. He's just not a 'smart' phone.'

'My laptop's being repaired and I felt lost without a screensaver to stare at.'

"We just made a big cancer breakthrough. Have a cigar."

'Now that we've discovered a great new laundry detergent, let's try to discover an appropriate price point.'

The Woman Who Could Talk to Engineers...

Jazz Bagpipes

"Looks like you've got some competition."

"I'd like a portrait of me in the style of him."

'We really don't want to say goodbye. So, as a retirement gift - we're upgrading you, so we don't have to!'

Bev puts on an old favorite

Smile you're on camera! You're also on my podcast!

When beavers dream.

'Perfect! -- Now let's build some rest stops!'

With the Inflatable Pocket Potty, you'll never have to wait in line again at the stadium.

"I enjoy the game so much more since they invented the self-driving ball!"

'All I'm saying is that if we don't want to be invaded, we'd be better off with weapons of mass destruction.'

Airbus