Part-time Punter Mugs

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

Fan-Centric Stadium

Vikings to the Super bowl.

'What he lacks in speed he gains in nose.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

'I'm only doing pro-bono cases until I can find some well-paying anti-bono cases.'

A Good Bet.

Saloon Selectives

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

Football will be penalised...

School. I can't believe I didn't get the job teaching math! Maybe you shouldn't have said you'd give one hundred and ten percent!

'What is higher than an admiral?'

'Twenty quid will be great, I'll give you it back on Thursday when I get my Giro.'

Man at the winnings collection point in the bookie's is asleep.

Gambler And Umpire

Three Unwise Men

Donkey Fights

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."

'Hey, it's my first retirement check!'