Pandemic Parenting Gifts

"So how many days was that?"

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

Suffering from Cooties?

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Of course I put my kids first! Look at how much I pay the nanny!!'

"Bless, Poppy's first tweet!"

"Omg, bird and squirrel are here."

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

Baby cries into a cellphone.

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

Baby on Board, Mother on Edge.

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

"Right kids, there's no camp and no vacation, but Mommy and I are super excited to make this summer our best ever!"

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'To be honest I only became a vicar to get my children into the C of E school.'

'Sorry dad - it won't happen again,'

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

I've been having very strange dreams lately, but they're no match for how bizarre waking hours life has seemed.

Daughter/psychiatrist

We're very disappointed. We thought the nanny had raised you better than this.

Stroller Cellphone

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"I'm sorry madam but we don't make them go missing."

Parenting Wonks

'Sleeping like a baby'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"Remote teaching isn't good for torturing a substitute. For that you need a live audience."

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

A baby watching coronaviruses on television

"We shouldn't have had so many kids. Now they all want computers and phones."

State Prison Child Care

"But I am an engaged parent. Just the other day, I helped one of the kids with his or her homework."

"Family vacation is an oxymoron."

"Try verbalizing it."