Packrat Humorist Pillows

"A wooden leg, Buck? You're storing a wooden leg?!" Karen knew better than to marry a packrat.

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"The note in the bottle said someone's stranded here, but where is he?"

'Flight simulator'

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

Pirates at the mall.

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

Daffodil bulbs

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

"Welcome to Randolph, Vermont. Don't even think of relocating here!"

'Vacuums!'

Surreal Ale Pub.

"Listen, the first pterodactyl of spring."

'Just so you know, leaning on a rake and looking at the sky is not 'yard work', and thus may not be entered into your 'I do so help around the house' defense.'

Just Survived My 3rd COVID Scare Dance.

"Why do they call this 'Traffic Calming' again...?"

'This is going to be good. He's sitting on an ant hill.'

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

'Any idea where my night vision visor is?'

'One could make the ultimate industrial strength glue by cracking the formula of the goo on night club stages.'

'It's a good job I was trapped by my wooden leg and not my good one, son!'

Sign - Do not feed the bears. Bear - 'Those signs have caused a substantial reduction in weight, a lowering of blood pressure and a significant drop in cholesterol...'

"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

'How can you call yourself a workaholic if you don't even have a Blackberry Thumb?'

"I'm not sure if that's William Shatner or Deadpool without his mask."

I was bitten by a radioactive bedbug – My superpower is getting a solid eight hours of sleep every night. Wow. So lucky.

"I've forgotten your face but I remember your mask."

"Oh, good! Lucille is sending me some stuff!"

"Dude, don't say it..."

"Ooo - nice! What chord was that?"

"I've made a fortune and never used my own money. Hey, can you spare a buck?"

"You're thirty minutes late. Does that mean I get it for free?"

"For a little extra we could have got Giotto."

'Your House Wines seem rather pricey - d'you have any Bungalow Wines?'

"Now that the kids and grandkids are grown I can get back to more erotic embroidery."