Off-key Singer Prints

"I didn't send for a music teacher."

Shepherd and eurydice

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Showbiz Awards

'It's good - but it's not digital quality.'

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

Lennon and McCartney.

Omara Portuondo

Anna Calvi

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

A Fairytale Update

EWE 2.

Red Letter Days - A declaration of love in public

"Michael, your father and I are worried that you're awfully young to be singing the blues."

George Michael

"Woke up this morning, someone had nicked my guitar..."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"That is an outrageous slur."

Cut out and keep your own Frank Sinatra.

Michael Jackson

"That's it, Tom. Here they come. Just keep playing 'Freebird.'"

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

Michael Jackson.

"Well, I'm sad for Gloria...she's gonna be bummed out when I'm twice as successful as she is."

"I remember him before he was getting hte winter fuel allowance."

Girl Band, "I wish you'd tell your mum we don't need her in the group!"

Mendelssohn Finds His Inspiration

Freddie Mercury

Eric Clapton.

Joe's 'Talent-Optional' Karaoke Bar

Cat Hecklers

Bryan Ferry