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'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'Guidelines say we have to have five nurses on the ward. This is Sandra, also known as Claire, Faith, Jasmine and Nicolette.'

Maternity Unit - 'Congratulations! It's a midwife!'

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

A&E - 'Let me through! I've got cuts!'

"You're not mad enough yet to qualify for treatment...Come back when you're mad enough to think we might listen to you!"

"We envisage a new role for GPs, the new zeitgeist imagines a new model. . . it will be a challenging, resource lean, target rich environment for you to explore!"

GP to cat - 'In view of the new polyclinic up the road, yes we are opening our books to new patients.'

'Try not to think about your car-parking charges.'

"We'd like you to be at breaking point seven days a week."

'I'm afraid the bed shortage is rather acute...'

The Bus: We send the EU £350 million a week - let's fund our NHS instead.

GP funding problems

"We really appreciate your understanding during our bed shortage."

GP leaders slam premises fee hikes as figures show practices owe £202 million.

"I see the BMA are hiring agency strikers."

"I have no idea what is wrong with you, but this medicinal cannabis should put a spring in your step."

"There's talk of extending our surgery hours to cope with Covid!"

"As a politician you probably understand that the pressures of my workload do not allow me to...do this slowly."

Some people have their own methods of dealing with a shortage of nurses

Ambulance delays force GPs to take patients to hospital

Just as effective as a gastric band but a lot, lot cheaper!

"Well, if you won't make lifestyle changes, could you hurry up and die?"

'If you could roll up your sleeves, go behind the screen and plaster the wall.'

Critical Ward: NHS

Record number of GPs recruited after first round

'Have you no regard for my NHS fee-per-jab accumulator. . er. . my concern for your good health?'

The BMA tries to look a gift horse in the mouth

"He was born in this very bed in this very hospital seven years ago this very day. He's not very well, is he?"

'Pick up your bed and walk woman, for the NHS is not long for this world.'

"It's not an early warning sign for this year's winter crisis, it's a very VERY early warning sign of NEXT year's."

'All of our nurses have degrees now, so if there's anything you need to know about the impact of the Reformation on European politics then just call for Nurse Dickens...'

'It's that glass of water you asked for!'

'I'm going to be prefectly frank with you. We need that bed.'

'Well I haven't had a change to review all you readings in depth, but if I were to be forced to make an education guess I'd day that your knackered.'