Newsletters Pillows

"I just can't shake the alumni newsletter."

"Frankly, the 'Beehive News' is boring: It's all about work, work, work..."

"I joined a seniors' computer group. They send me a newsletter to help us better understand the benefits and conveniences of these things."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Obama didn’t get to name a Supreme Court justice during his final year. So how come Trump does?"

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

Squeezing the Free Press.

They're Not Just That Into It

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

Trump pardons

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Difference of Opinion

Meet the Enemy

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

"We won!"

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

CIA report

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Apart from protest footage I forget what downtown looks like.

Loan Alley

Laughingstock

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

A little bird told me...

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

Trump Poutine