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'Get up and do something, George, so I can put it in our Christmas letter.'

American Venn diagram

Santa Claus's Mail

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"How do you spell, asteroid?"

"As you can see from the books behind me, I pretend to read a lot of books."

The birth of junk mail.

'Awww, isn't that nice: This one says 'PS: Love to Rudolph!''

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

'Of course creative writing is important. You want to write home for money when you go away to college,don't you?'

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

Have you heard that time is not a constant, Randy? Of course, little buddy It's called "time dilation." Time moves slower for objects in motion than it does for objects that sit still. I'm a prime example. I haven't aged a day in decades. I still have rippling muscles, a smooth pelt, glistening teeth, twinkling eyes, a raging libido, and the boundless confidence of youth ... all because I'm always on the move. I'm writing a study on it for the Journal of Temporal Hotness. I've been meaning to as

'I'll give you this, Hargrove - Your report was a perfect blend of cliches, banalities and platitudes.'

'Remember that Op-Ed piece you wrote last month?...'

"...there's not a single shareholder...who will be able to understand any part of it!"

Good report, Morton, work on it a little more until it sounds like one of mine.

"Take a letter, any letter"

"I'm writing to mother to let her know how you're doing.Is deathbed one word or two?"

"Republican striptease"

'How long have you had that toupee?'

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

Letter from Camp* (*with Footnotes)

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

'It says here that machine learning finds fake news with 88% accuracy. I think from now on I really need to edit my reports before I turn them in.'

Stay at home

"He thinks it's important to communicate with his plants."

''Return to Sender'...? Dang! - I brought the wrong ENVELOPE!'

Petr Yakovlevich Chaadayev

'It's very public-spirited to write your congressman, Millard, but Joe McCarthy has been dead for years!'

Actually, I really admire him. He pushes the envelope!

"'Dear Mrs. Zeus?!' The name's Hera!"

Daddy finished his review of your Christmas Newsletter.

"She'll be riding six white horses when she comes. Stop. She'll be riding six white horses when she comes. Stop. She'll be riding six white horses, she'll be riding six white horses, she'll be riding six white horses when she comes. Stop." "That's just like your mother."