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"The network's infotainment division thinks you should open with a song."

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

'ANCHOR doesn't mean you drag the whole network!'

'Hey folks, do me a favour, come closer and read the news yourself while I'm out to meet my new girlfriend, okay?'

'Evening News with Al Gore.'

'And finally, I'm gay'

'If you've been a secret agent all these years, how come they never pay you?'

'I got a video broadcasting degree with a minor in news reading and a major in perky.'

"George - we don't have an opposing point of view!"

"I said I'll do the sports now!"

"City officials have cited erectile dysfunction as the cause for the building's collapse. And, on that note, I think I will now tender my resignation."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

Reading the sports pages.

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

Netanyahu versus Gantz

Cleaner dusting under man's toupee.

Government and Opposition

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

'No, I am not finished with the comics section, now give me back my glasses!'

It's 10 P.M. does anyone know what 'sequestration' means?

"This is the way I like it - I pretend to be asleep and he doesn't bother me."

When Dogs Appear To Be Thinking.