New Job In Fine Dining Pillows

Opening the Barrel

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

Party of two? No, it was quite a large party.

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."

Hamish Harris. The boy bon vivant.

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"Is the MSG local?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Your stab at ordering the wine in French went well.'

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Is this still America?'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

"How sweet, your hand is trembling."

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'