New Health Regimen T-Shirts

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

Man on exercise bike with dog on treadmill

"Your bad cholesterol is trying to persuade your good cholesterol to switch sides."

'So glad you could make our vegetarian BBQ.'

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"Eat your vegetarian or you'll go extinct!"

"Carrots just didn't get me going anymore, so I switched to chocolate instead..."

Yoga for beginners,

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

"Remember, you're only as sick as you feel."

'Nevermore.'

"Gracie, I think you've made your point. We can't completely remove meat from this family's diet...but we will try very hard to cut back, OK?"

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

"We tried healthy birthday treats. That lasted about a week."

'Never mind another doctor -- I'm referring you to the Bureau of Weights and Measures.'

'I am a staving artist. I'm fat because all I can afford is junk food!'

Health Regime Change: No Fry Zone

'Honestly you could drive a 'coach and horses' through this document, there's no definition of 'weight loss', no time frame, no sanctions.'

'We transformed our lives for the better.'

"Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body. . ."

New in fitness: Health club truancy officers.

"We are able to extend your life for another two weeks, but you must eat wisely and get plenty of exercise."

'Welcome to the exercise hotline. To start a very low impact exercise program, press #1250 times.'

"The nurse says I'm morbidly obese...so what are you going to do about it?"

"He doesn't know I disable the cars twice a week, so he has to walk the 5 miles to work. That way he gets his steps in."

"It looks like another productive night of sleep and exercise. My smart watch logged seven hours of sleep and over 1,500 steps from sleep walking."

"Williams, you're now eligible for the company dental plan. It's a proactive one-time total extraction event..."

"Heirloom or not, I've got to unhang it because my wife became a vegetarian."

The last ever picture of Gary, minutes before he squeezed his spot.

'Let's see...we've taken you off smoking, drinking and rich food. What else do you enjoy?'