Narrative Humorist Mugs

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"You're going to hate yourself."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Modern Major General

"The Eggsorcist"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Schrodinger's Black Box

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

"Puss in cement boots"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'