Modern Art Mentor Prints

'There's a strong minimalist influence in this artist's work.' 'Good! The less there is of it, the better.'

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's my homage to Picasso.' (Snowman is all mixed up with eyes and nose in odd places)

"Mother, I think I'm good enough to exhibit on the living room walls now."

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

Picasso: The Early Years

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

battered artist has painted picture of falling bomb.

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

Cats at private view

Children in fancy dress on the way to music lessons

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

"I just cleaned that glass! How can it already be covered in nose prints?!"

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Wow, talk about genius!'

'At least I never have to straighten it out.'

Pouring all emotion into his art, Pablo had none left for his face.

"Feel better, dear?"

The Cremaster Cycle

'Wait, this isn't Monet's garden, it's Mondrian's.'

Whistler's Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandson

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

"Picasso: Post cataract surgery."

"Tracy Island offers palatial splendour in the safest of environments. Your beds are unmade because this is Tracy Emin Island."

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."

'What do you suppose he's trying to say?'

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!