Modern Art Mentor Prints

'There's a strong minimalist influence in this artist's work.' 'Good! The less there is of it, the better.'

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's my homage to Picasso.' (Snowman is all mixed up with eyes and nose in odd places)

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

"Mother, I think I'm good enough to exhibit on the living room walls now."

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

Cats at private view

Children in fancy dress on the way to music lessons

battered artist has painted picture of falling bomb.

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

"I just cleaned that glass! How can it already be covered in nose prints?!"

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

Picasso: The Early Years

'Wow, talk about genius!'

Whistler's Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandson

"Picasso: Post cataract surgery."

'What do you suppose he's trying to say?'

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."

"Feel better, dear?"

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

The Cremaster Cycle

'At least I never have to straighten it out.'

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'Welcome to the house warming! The map points out what is furniture and what is sculpture.'