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"It wasn't a carcinoma at all- it was just an itty-bitty attorney."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

Barbeque Casualty.

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

'You seem rather ungrateful Mr. Jenkins. This new drug means you'll never have hayfever again.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'After giving a recorded statement to these people, being grilled by 60 Minutes would seem like a piece of cake.'

"I'm sorry, Chuckles. We had to remove your funny bone."

Mimi's final scene

"Sometimes it helps to turn a question around. Why not you?"

"I'm sure he'll pull through. He's always been a real fighter."

'...but besides this, how are you doing?'

'During the heart-transplant, since it was your birthday, I went ahead and added two more inches, no charge.'

Big slipper.

"You call all this a side effect?"

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

'Good news, Mr. Blume! Your condition isn't serious - just expensive.'

'This is your lucky day!'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"While you were under, I had all your friends come in and sign your heart stent."

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

'I have this horrible premonition that he's turning into a butterfly.'

"Don't worry, he's improving. We'll have him up and cursing the government again."

'We don't serve hospital food anymore. It's airline food.'

"I forgot to get a selfie during the procedure. Can we do it again?"

"Doc says my nerves are shot and I should avoid stress. I think I'll have some herbal tea and go to bed."

"We've been married thirty five years, Ted. Don't go all introspective on me now."

"We're going to beat this thing apart."

'Talk about high-tech! You'll be getting a pacemaker ipod combo.'

'Please don't interupt-we've only got 45 minutes.'

'I discovered just as much work gets done when you're not there.'

"With this new diagnosis of diabetes you're going to have to make some lifestyle changes."