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"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

God putting the finishing touches to the Pug.

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

All bets are off as Round One begins in the "Dollars versus Donuts" World Championship title fight.

Ball as water-melon.

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

A watch face with Stonehenge

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

Christmas Presents.

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

Where Deviled Eggs come from

Customer entering bank that is touting number of toasters given away

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

"Now that's a great number if you want to be protected from the entire environment."

Santa's Helpers

"Roadkill cookies"

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Pass that."

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

International House of Excrement

Regifts of the Magi

'Hey! You're not for real, are you man?'

'...You're just not built to take selfies.'

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

'Buy two pounds and I'll throw in the sword.'

'If you're out and about today don't forget the pith helmet.'