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"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Mighty Man Of Justice Goes Christmas Shopping Part 1

God putting the finishing touches to the Pug.

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

All bets are off as Round One begins in the "Dollars versus Donuts" World Championship title fight.

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

Ball as water-melon.

A watch face with Stonehenge

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

Christmas Presents.

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

Where Deviled Eggs come from

Customer entering bank that is touting number of toasters given away

Santa's Helpers

"Now that's a great number if you want to be protected from the entire environment."

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

"Roadkill cookies"

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Pass that."

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

'I gotta bad feeling about this.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

Regifts of the Magi

International House of Excrement

'Hey! You're not for real, are you man?'

'Buy two pounds and I'll throw in the sword.'

'If you're out and about today don't forget the pith helmet.'

Notorious gangsters, Bunny and Clyde.

'...You're just not built to take selfies.'