Merlot Maven Pillows

'A Merlot? A Cab? If I had known there would be this many red wines, when I created the Earth, I would have made it smaller.'

'They say you have to drink 4 times as much merlot as pinot noir to get the same level of anti-oxidants. Isn't that just too, too bad?'

"Some people need a reason to enjoy wine, I just need a glass!"

"May I skip the usual Show & Tell and try to hustle some merch?"

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

Merry Kissmas

"It's your ribs. I'm afraid they're delicious."

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

Masterpiece?

"Any beaver can cut down trees, but marquetry, now that's art."

"Yes, the migration flight home is always faster, but it's thanks to the prevailing winds, not just because we're keen to get home..."

"Last chance, or Max here has ways of making you talk."

'There are shortcuts to making home brew, but taking a swig of malt extract and letting it ferment in your mouth isn't one of them.'

'It's had the best reviews I've ever written.'

"Tony and Stephanie are from Iowa."

An empty 'crime' section in a bookhop

Whodunits

Trilby - 'The Moon-dial'.

"It's a sprain in your left porterhouse."

CIA - Incognito/Outcognito.

"How would I know how long he'll be? I'm not the psychic!"

"No, wait. I always get this mixed up. The manet was five point nine. The Monet was three flat."

Shakespeare in the park Mickey Spillane in the alley.

Sherlock Holmes

'Leave me alone. I'm resting my steak.'

Paranormal tips: sandwiches with crop circles may lead to marmalade stains on trousers

Jose Manuel Villarejo Scandal

"...while 86 million prefer grilled cheese, and 57.4 million of them like mustard on it."

Little Dark Specks

'I think I may be lactose intolerant.'

Staff picks

Shimon Peres

Eddie's Fables presents: "The Worm and the Caterpillar"

Fortunes. . .$20, Impressions. . .$10, Clenches. . . $5, Wild Guess. . . $2.