Mental Health Professionals Pillows

Doctors to screen for depression.

'I'm an honest person but when I take an online survey, I'm a big liar.'

"When did you start thinking there might be something wrong with you?" "When you told me!"

'I get better results with a live elephant and an invisible fence.'

'I think I need a new psychiatrist. The one I have now gave me a mood ring to monitor my progress.'

'Three years in a mental hospital? That's good, because it helps to be a little crazy to work here.'

"Freud doesn't work for you, so I', going to try some Dr. Anthony Fauci..."

I wish you wouldn't use the cuckoo clock to mark the time our session is over.

'Ned, your repressed angst keeps tipping over and blocking my light.'

Psychiatrist not listening to patients problems

'My - I don't remember my second-grade Christmas play dealing with post-holiday depression.'

"Oh, I was hoping....I mean I was afraid you might jump."

That's interesting - what exactly do you mean by 'thump'?

'Calm down...this is for your own good.'

Red riding hood giving the wolf a complex

School of Psychiatry: Do not repress

"OK, what split personality are we then today?"

It took several hours for the emergency responders to free Marcia from her emotional baggage.

"Hiya, squirt!"

"You forgot to put your 'out of office' on."

"This isn't what I had in mind. . ."

"My brother thinks he's a chicken... He's crazy."

"Hello. I am from social services. I see you are about to stab that man in the face. I, of course, respect your reasons for doing so and I wouldn't dream of trying to stop you. But, have you given any thought to how you may feel afterwards?"

"It's a misunderstanding, Simmons. Of course you can bring your comfort cow to work."

"We at Megacorp are very supportive of spiritual and artistic therapies which is why we've developed 'megazcylone' to enhance the experience."

"M Bloggs author lived here on Prozac"

'Just because I'm a weasel, people assume I'm not trustworthy...'

'I think my claustrophobia is getting worse, doctor.'

"Do you have anything that will help me get rid of an irritating mantra?"

Next Suicide - 3 mins.

"Psychiatry has come along way since the goatee beard and leather couch Mr Winslop"

'Has it occurred to you you might be suffering from negative self image?'

'So you're having visions and hearing voices - I'd say you're either really really mad or really really religious.'

'I hate 'bring your inner child to work day.''

'Would you mind holding your breath while I have a cigarette?'