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The Department of Lessons Learned...

Well done, Jim. If only I could sleep at home like I do through your presentations!'

'Your job description is fairly simple: Stay in your cubicle and try not to make things worse.'

'How did the meeting go?'

'Do we want to tackle this head on, or just stun it with a glancing blow until next Monday?'

"It's hard to manage a staff meeting in a company whose employees all have laser pointers."

"I've called this meeting so I could see all of you squirm."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

The vice-president in charge of sincerity

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

'Something tells me this is going to be a long meeting.'

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

"Remember, education pays, unless you end up an adjunct - like me."

'It never fails. I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism, and everybody accuses me of carping!'

"Well, let's quickly put Ken's incredibly incendiary remarks behind us and hopefully continue the discussion in a simmering rage."

'Brains...brains...brains...'

"We're all in the same boat, except it's more like a life raft than an actual boat."

"Of course I have a life. Not one worth living, mind you."

'Thanks, Brian, for your thoughtful and constructive proposal. Without further ado, we'll now dive into malicious, envy-based criticism, character assassination and petty bickering!'

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

"If the meeting goes on for longer than scheuled...I'm prepared!"

Meeting not going well?"

Unsuccessful board meeting.

'And in conclusion.'

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

"Maybe you do have all the answers but they didn't match any of our questions."

"If nothing else, school has prepared me for a lifetime of backpacking."

"It drives me mad when people act as though we had nothing to do except write moronic memorandum..."

That's not the reaction I was going for. Let me try to put a different spin on it.

violence in workplace