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"People not from here don't understand. It's not a weapon - it's a way of life."

'Thank goodness he's gone through sensitivity training.'

Burglar asked to open chastity belt

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

Dungeon prisoner plays chess with torturer.

"A couple more sieges and I'll go into political commentary."

"Let's pretend I need rescuing."

"Now, I want you to hang here for the next twenty years and think about what you did."

"Good King Worcestershire looked out on the feast of Stephen..."

'Dungeons aren't SUPPOSED to be user-friendly!'

Friendly Troll.

'That's how you deal with Saint George wannabes, son.'

"I wish these Jehovah's Witnesses would just knock."

'A message from the barbarians, sire. They don't want to lay siege. They just want to shoot some hoops.'

"Who hired this clown?"

"I'm not an intern, I'm a squire. I'm not an intern, I'm a squire..."

"I'd like something smaller – something with fewer walls to defend."

Dragon and Dragoff

Next Time-Portal 5 Miles...

'The knights are drawing closer'

A monk illustrates a manuscript with emojis

'And there he was shouting: 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!'... I thought to myself: Why not...'

"I know winter gets ugly, but this is ridiculous!"

'Count Dracula, I wish you'd come to me sooner...'

Actually, I slayed it for the castle's resale value, but don't tell her that.

"The road ahead is filled with danger. Take this lawyer for protection."

The Headless Horseman claims his luggage.

'What's this I hear about you running against me?'

Knight offers his opponent a glass of wine.

"Ground score!"

"But now it won't stay in mint condition."

John Wycliffe

Mermaids

"Have a safe trip!"

'I'm drawing up a contingency plan just in case -- how would you like to drive the getaway car?'