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Health MOT's will attract 'worried well'

"Nurse! Call the doctor, I've found out what is wrong with me."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'Does this get me a purple heart?'

'We don't have a cure for your ailment but there is an appropriate app available.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

Feel alienated by technology? Tell me more. Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

'Medical science is this close to finding a cure for the common evil vapors.'

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

Clinical Trails. . . Prevention . . . Detection. . . Diagnosis. . . Treatment.

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

"I have to tell you, I got a totally different diagnosis from someone named PookyPoo on medi-answer.com."

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

'Mrs. Tomkins says her prescription has no side effects, so it can't be doing her any good.'

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

A man's health care options.

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

'Our experimental laser O.R. is in there.'

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

"Hello, A and E, which department do you need, stabbing, shooting or general GBH?"

'It was cheaper and less painful than a Gastric Band procedure...'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

"This medication doesn't have any side effects, just up-and-down effects."

"Your tests are back. We've ruled out anything covered by your HMO."

"Actually, what doesn't kill you just raises the cost of everyone's insurance"

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

'Has the medication had any other side effects?'

'I'm afraid the doctor can't see you today. You could visit his web page instead.'

"So, when you looked up your symptoms, did it say to complain about it incessantly but never seek treatment?"

'These pamphlets will explain the procedure and these leaflets will explain the pamphlets.'

'It's just a side effect of the anti-anxiety medication. Try not to worry your pretty little head about it.'