Medical Insider Pillows

'True rupture is rare. Ladies' breasts are most commonly bursting simply with admiration for me and my skills.'

"He would've been out last week, but he got sick eating hospital food."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"I'm sorry, Chuckles. We had to remove your funny bone."

'Time for your pills.'

"The x-rays came back, and — I'm sorry, but we found a very large attachment."

Infected Macron

'I'm having my colon checked.'

'You're going to have to give up painting ceilings, Michelangelo !'

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

A football game appears on the operating theatres monitor instead of the patients heartbeat.

Healthy Eating Casualties

'Can't talk now, I'm just going into a tunnel.'

"This patient must be really rich! He brought back the most extravagant illnesses from exotic holiday spots."

"He detects disease."

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

'Thanks for leaving that sponge in me, Doc. Now I can drink twice as much wine.'

Celebration in operating theatre.

"Uh, try unplugging him, then plugging him back in."

When he got the wrong medication, no one would own up to it. They were real good at covering their own butts.

Cause of death: Just one of those things.

'You say the pains in my left leg are caused by old age. But doctor my right leg is just as old and it doesn't hurt at all!'

"...and the good news is Mr Watkins, your keyhole surgery was a complete success"

'Give Mr. Fogarty his testosterone injection, Nurse, and then run like the dickens!'

Amusing patients: Photocopier burns

Warning: Contents may settle over time.

'I stopped paying attention to polls since a poll showed voters prefer someone who ignores the polls.'

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

'It must be the plague!'

'Mr. Figgs - any door with doctor on it - knock-go in-smile-sit down-poor out your woes.'