Maître D'hôtel T-Shirts

"A table near the salad bar."

'Your table should be ready in a few dollars.'

"Today's special is puréed sweet potato on cracker."

'Texting or non-texting?'

'I'll be back for you in a few seconds, ma'am.'

"Would you prefer the talking or the non-talking section?"

"We'll be needing a high chair for spot."

"...And I named this one Terry..."

'Certainly, we have reservations. But we decided to try your food anyway.'

Inhospitality Tent

'He said it could be about 45 minutes, do the global economic slowdown.'

"Here, this might fit."

"There will be a short wait...the name?"

Please Wait Here To be Served

"What's that for? You want change for the vending machine?"

Party of two? No, it was quite a large party.

'He's not a pet. He's an endangered species.'

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

'Camping is nature's way of promoting B&Bs.'

"This hotel room must be dry. There's a cactus growing out of my suitcase."

'What was all that swerving at the cat walk?'

'Now here's a place I like!'

Courtyard of the Hotel de France, Montreuil.

'These hors d'oeuvres are real slop, and I mean that in the best sense.'

'Tomorrow's special is fish, so wear the flounder suit.'

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

'Nobody minds if I take the ocean view suite with complimentary champagne and Sven, the in-room Swedish masseur, do they?'

"Tracy Island offers palatial splendour in the safest of environments. Your beds are unmade because this is Tracy Emin Island."

Birds talking about package holiday makers - "Amazing how they find there way back every year."

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

"The mint on the pillow was nice, but I'd prefer a chocolate fudge brownie."

Hotel with sign 'Home sweet temporary home'

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."