Lover Of Witty Comics Mugs

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

"Now there's something you don't see everyday. How long have you been using dachshunds as sled dogs.?"

To paraphrase Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca," "Of all the comic strips in all the newspapers in all the world, you walk into mine." ? ? ?

Would you like something from the bar, miss? It looks like you might need it.

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

"So tell me about your last poop."

"He calls himself orange roughy, but I remember when his name was slimehead."

'He thinks he's the cat's meow ever since he was made department head.'

'The environmental impact should be minimal. In any event, we can work around it.'

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

"It's a book about how to ask for a raise, '50 shades of Pay'."

Need to know basis

Vote for me...I'm not that guy!

Home Business - Wife.

You're suffering from the current capital scheme in this country. Me? You and other small business people work your tail off. But the hedge fund managers make billions adding nothing to the economy

Eskimos Rowing Out to Igloo

'The bad news is you've got something no one's ever heard of...the good news is we're naming it after you!'

"Mind if I have the guys over to watch some poker?"

"Wow, is this the new bomb blast express drone delivery service?"

'You look lovely today.'

"I don't know about turning, but I was tossing all night."

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

"I have no problem with reality. It's just the occasional intrusion of gritty realism that I hate."

"The book ends are for people who like to read between the lions."

I started writing crossword puzzles when I realized it was the only chance I'd ever have of finishing one.

"No offense..."

"It's not enough that we succeed. Cats must also fail."

Society for Asking Stupid Questions

'Between you and me, I'd rather be me.'

"Phil!"

'Don't worry -- he's a trained professional.'

Honest Harry's Last Chance Pet Adoption...

'Thanks but we really can't accept...'