Locker Room Philosopher T-Shirts

'I'm just saying - it doesn't help morale.'

"Emily is very attractive, but Katy has more long-term earning potential."

You Don't Know What It's Like

You Don't Know What It's Like

Women after 10 minutes vs men after 10 years.

"Men's locker room. Caution: May not be as offensive as you've been led to believe."

"I was being honest with him, he said he was being honest with me, so now we don't know who to trust."

'Aw, come on guys - at the end of the day, it's only a game - right?'

"My email is down... talk to me."

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

"All this namby pamby nonsense about stress...I've been stressed for YEARS and it's never done ME any harm... " "But you're only 25!"

"Well, he looks alive as of 10 minutes ago, but the stream is frozen."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"So that's where you were last night."

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

Shakespeare in the clink

'I wanted shorter hours, so he cut my breaks.'

I've got a new theory, Randy, and it's going to shock the world. Why? Because it's pretty much irrefutable. You know how when you're in the bathroom, it feels like five minutes have passed … but to those waiting to use it, it feels like forever? Yes … And you know how when you're at the event horizon of a black hole, five minutes to you actually is forever to the rest of the universe? ... I think we'd better alert Neil Degrasse Tyson. I call it the Time Toilation Theory.

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"Okay, there's one thing I like about school starting. I have a girlfriend this year."

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

'Same tragic story...A disgruntled athletic trainer burst into the locker room and starts taping players at random...'

'And don't shrink it in a hot wash.'

Writer's irony.

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

"I'll get that. First go get me a glass of warm water."

That's not quite what I meant by a 'balanced diet'..

"I've been waiting here so long I think I'm cured."

Life's choices (Tampons and Chocolate).

They put their hands under me so I'll blow hot air. They put their hands under me so I'll run water. You don't want to know what they put in front of me so I'll flush.

"Johnson, what are you doing? It's not time for your break yet."

'I pretend to work.They pretend to pay me!'