Little Schemer Pillows

"Are there any security cameras in the basement?"

'Sure, I took your shovel. Ethics doesn't kick in for a year or two.'

'No, you can't use your last wish, to wish for another three wishes!'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"Well, I finally figured out why we were going to the vet so often for check ups! He finally plucked up the courage to ask her out!"

"An Iraq attack is one thing, but I'm not sure about a Persian incursion."

'Here's the game plan going forward. We acknowledge any and all 'mistakes,' then fake fixing them.'

"Do you call this a business plan?"

"I've made myself a success through a combination of long-term planning and short term tantrums."

"If anyone should ask, I was in my doggy bed from 7 p.m. to midnight. Understand?"

'Things look much better long-term, once we pass the statute of limitations.'

And here is where we stooped to the level of the competition.

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

'Do you want to be red Tory or blue Labour?'

'He's soccer mad! Ever since he did his first sums he's wanted to be a players' agent.'

"It's a setup."

"So you want to hide it from other squirrels by presented to deposit it in savings, then taking it back and putting it in a secret account?"

"You should have purchased the extended warranty."

"We're fighting them in zone A, they're our allies in zone B, and we don't know what to do in zone C."

Valentine Comix

Old man stealing sand from a sand box for child

'I'm getting ready for mating season.'

"I'm doing my part to conserve electricity."

'Danae...you seem to spend twice the time and energy in avoiding your schoolwork than it would take to actually do the work...How far do you expect that'll get you in life?'

"Just take the free kick, and stop wasting time."

"Doing chores is very stimulating. I'm always thinking of ways to avoid them."

'Oh, that's Dan, the congressman's right AND left hand man'

'While Dewey distracts the defense, the quarterback simply jogs into the end zone untouched.'

"Boss, there's a rumor going around that someone lost a $1,000 bill in the cafe. There are like 200 people out there." "Interesting. And I assume they're all looking for the $1,000 bill. I assume they don't want anyone else to know about it before they find it." "I assume each of them is buying our food and drink so the others won't suspect they're here with ulterior motives." "I wonder who could have possibly spread such a rumor in the first place?" "Very bad man."

"We love your results. We're just a weeny bit concerned about your methods."

'Business is slow. Go and throw a few banana skins on the pavement.'

'I'm always thinking of my fellow man - that's how I stay ahead of him.'

Boy standing on 'The Joy of Sex' book.

Robert Macaire as a Matrimonial Agent

'One day you'll be able to 'sack' a football manager.'