Listening To Sermons Prints

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

Sermon Applause.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

The Sleeping Congregation.

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Applause

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival