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'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

"The bloodwork came back kinda yucky."

"You've been around here longer than I have. What are 'congressional ethics'?"

'Just a little off the top.'

"Listen, if this takes much longer I'll be late for work and I'll be a dead man!"

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

Coast to coast.

'But we've got laws on the books now that we can't enforce!'

Jury Bribes.

'The computer must be on the blink if it sent a questionnaire to him!'

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

"It's amazing how they manage to endure despite all the lineup changes."

Husband check

"And here we have a very rare and unusual piece titled 'The Last Remaining Open Seat.'"

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'It's a tweet from heaven. They say if we don't stop watching them, they're going to tell God.'

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

Escaping surgery.

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'I drank to a lawyer's health, and now he's slapped me with a malpractice suit.'

'I can't get this laptop to work.'

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

'Well I'll be damned, you got me on a technicality.'

'Both prosecution and defense must submit any unwritten laws in writing.'

'Never ever will I move by train again.'

"You bite me again and I'll sue."

"That's OK. I'll get the next one."

'I don't teach my students about the Bill of Rights any more -- it just makes them unruly.'

'Mine is a rags to riches story. Actually, it's more like an off-the-rack to a $20 billion family hedge fund story.'

"Well, the satnav said turn left."

'People say that 'Money Talks'. Guys, I'd love to hear some.'