Life-choice Ponderer Pillows

"...and get ready to live in constant fear. Kids will ruin the life you now enjoy...R-U-I-N."

"Call me?"

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

YOLO vs YODO

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'I'm not sure what I want out of life, but I want a lot of it.'

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

The meaning of life is to avoid falling rocks

"Death coach..."

'Mom says she has a souffl

'I think I'm getting somewhere. On the way over I stopped to smell the flowers.'

'I've used up all my eligibilities'

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

"I needed a gig to tide me over between baby booms."

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'Nothing serious. I just hate my job.'

Baxter finally gets a life

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

Truth

"Last time I saw you, you were just a baby."

'Ted, you won't climb the corporate ladder if you keep taking paternity leave!'

Wally dozes off in the middle of his mid-life crisis.

"In a former life, I was exactly the same."

"You'll find they stay pretty needy 'til about 300 months."

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

'Well, great! I raise you to be a vicious bird of prey, and you wanna be a songbird!'

"I just don't know what to do with myself in that long stretch after college but before social security."

Children.

"I was hoping you'd have outgrown that by now."