Legal Absurdity Fan Prints

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

I'm accused of kicking you in the womb, but your evidence is purely circumstantial. Lawyer baby.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

'Because the horned one commands them to, that's how!'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

Just our luck...old school crime translation classes!

"Permission To Treat Prosecutor as Hostile, Your Honor?"

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

"It's a narrative I didn't intend."

A Judge about to enter an operating theatre for a 'Clinical Trial'.

'That's the lawyer in me trying to get out.'

Antonin Scalia

'Let's agree to disagree.'

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

'Cut out the hearsay and get back to work, Ms. Sims.'

"My client will not answer that question as it presupposes his sanity."

Hermes, Process Server Of The Gods

"I thought I'd try a Marie Antoinette for a change."

"Your Honor, I wish to introduce as Exhibit A this bullet with the victim's name on it."

'I'd say you have a water-tight case there, boys.'

"Yeah, I'm out on bail: The judge laughed when he said I was not a flight risk..."

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

Franz Kafka does stand-up...

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

"The legal people are terrified of litigation but I insisted that we write an apology to the client of the lack of service. . . as long as we don't sent it!"

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

“This daily metamorphosis never fails to amaze me. Around the house, I’m a perfect idiot. I come to court, futon a black robe, and, by God, I’m it!”

Solicitor tells cats: 'It's unorthodox, I know, but old Mrs Featherstone has left her entire estate to her immediate family.'

Snowman about snowman fallen on ice: 'Obviously they would have had time to clear the ice.'