Laughs At The Absurdity Of Life T-Shirts

'I'd like to try some coffins.' - 'Let me show you our standard size.' - 'It feels a bit tight around the waist.' - 'How are you looking to die?' - 'I don't know, really.' - 'I'd recommend a wasting disease.' -

"I need to tinkle."

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

Missing my hair.

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

"Would you describe the pain everyone else causes you as dull and throbbing or sharp like a knife?"

IRS. That was a rough audit. They disallowed all of my deductions! You can't claim all these people as dependents ... The business expenses are not correct ... and the charitable contributions don't meet guidelines. You're shredding my return with that?! Wow! Ut was The Taxes Chainsaw Massacre!

I don't understand why I need a referral from my primary-care doctor to see a specialist I've already seen, who told me himself to come back for a follow-up visit. That's just the way it works. You'll also need a referral from your tailor before we can put you in a hospital gown.

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

'My 'harrumphs' are losing their volume.'

Emotional Incontinence - Emotional Illiteracy

"Welcome back, Mr. Bigley. Some messages came in for you while you were dead."

We never talk anymore, Lars. That's because it always ends the same way. You say, "Polly want a cracker." I give you a cracker. I try to shift the conversation to other topics, but you ask for another cracker again and again. 30 or 40 crackers later, you vomit and go to bed.

'Your extensive anxiety condition was brought about by worrying about a national health plan.'

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

'Oh dear.'

"So you turned off the power, huh?"

'Carol, get your protective headphones on'

"When water turns into ice, which of its physical properties increases?"

Truck collision due to incompetence

"I'm thinking of going back to work now I've had kids beat me up"

'May I see some photo ID?'

'These shooting sticks are not very comfortable!'

"And so now I'm supposed to be the faithful companion who goes for help?"

General Dentistry.

"Are you sure this is what the man who attacked you looked like?"

'I used to be self-employed, but I got fired!'

"The most painful thing about the breakup was the tattoo removal."

'Was that you who screamed?' - 'No, the dentist.'

REcalculating...

"Have you been waiting long?"

"Ok Mr. Mosley, before we go, would you fill in these forms and complete the questionnaire - not forgetting to leave feedback regarding your judgement-day experience. . ."