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"I think I will go try my luck at the non race specific jacl tables before we hit the buffet."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'We found you in a cabbage!'

Tequila Mockingbird

"Maybe I'm aiming too high...maybe 'saving for a cool car' is too hard."

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

'Guess who's teething?'

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

Shall I be mother?

"Sorry, coffee is delivered by a union shop and you banned all things union."

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

'Henry, cut that out.'

'You've made a breakthrough in FINANCIAL research?', 'Yep! - I split the ATM!'

"Relax, he could just be looking for fun."

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"When you said we were going to push the boat out tonight, I thought you meant we were going to a fancy restaurant!"

Under New Mismanagement

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

Beer Lunch

"Oh you kids and that cursed painting in the closet keep me young."

"What?!"

Sure, snoring is a big issue at our house too: you've seen the size of my dad's nose...

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

Make your own bottled water.

Top Ten Elevator Hits of All Time

Sawrd Fighting

'Look, that peasant is eating something -- the economy's on the move again!'

"What?"