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'The defendant and the witnesses were bad enough, but then the JURY got hostile.'

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

Barristers

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

"This is my client's videotaped deposition—please be considerate and rewind after viewing."

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'Furthermore, had a handrail been fitted to the wall , my client would not be sitting here now.'

Antonin Scalia

"Impartiality becomes you."

'Ignorance of the law is no excuse, dummy!'

"I should have been a lawyer. I'm great at ambulance chasing!"

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

Viking in the dock: His barrister says: 'Your honour, my client was simply expanding his business interests. We object to the use of the word 'pillaging'.'

"Objections overruled...I also think the defendent looks extremly dodgy"

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

"Can you identify the person who assaulted you and then stole your title?"

Judge

Night of the living will

"It's clear from the replay that it was a leading question."

"You call this a brief. It's thirty pages long."

'I understand Benson is the principle partner here.'

'Your Honor, my client is incontinent to stand trail...'

'This will help you keep track of who's who.'

"No it's not. That's his defense lawyer."

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

"The defendant is a danger to society and poses a flight risk."

'This is a very important trial, Ferguson -- you'd better put pants on.'

'Do you still insist on taking the fifth on how many fifths you took on the fifth?'

'Todd here syas our plank is to narrow and may lead to lawsuits.'

'Do you honestly expect this court to believe, Mr. Chicken, that your only reason for crossing the road, on the night in question, was to get to the other side?'

'During discovery we found five more things to bill about.'