Judges T-Shirts

"Perhaps this will refresh your memory."

"Your Honor, the state has every reason to consider the defendant an extremely high flight risk."

Long custody battle.

Will give expert witness testimony for food

'The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? That doesn't allow for much flexibility.'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

'Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.'

'I'm granting your divorce and ordering you both be released back into the wild.'

"Before counsel make their final summations, we're going to take some calls from across the country."

"You lied about conducting cloning experiments in the past. Why should the jury believe you now?"

"I don't know about you, but my confidence in the judge as an impartial guardian of the rule of law wasn't that high even before the Supreme Court ruling."

'And after I've tucked you in, I'll read you a nice bedtime story.'

'Sure, I've had a few run-ins with the law. But it wasn't all my fault. As a child I was once left … unsupervised.'

'Your honor, I move that we have a change of venue. Pretrial publicity has made it impossible for us to get high ratings in this county.'

"So...Mr. Smith... I'm not blind! I see you are not wealthy...you are not a politician, lawyer, CEO, nor other elitist entity...what am I going to do with you, Mr. Smith?"

Lawyers

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'That defense lawyer was really brilliant at jury selection...just ask the defendant!'

Law Judge playing video game called 'Call of Jury Duty II'.

'Hang 'em high is just an expression Judge!'

Family courts.

"Whoever she runs to wins custody."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

'Case dismissed! -- I just reached retirement age!'

'I'm sure the Senate will affirm my action.'

'Aw, c'mom, mom and dad...all the other kids are suing their parents.'

Tax slug.

'Bad news I'm afraid. They've given you nine life sentences.'

'Not guilty'? — oh, a tough guy, eh?

'I'm suing my way alphabetically through the phone book.'

'You didn't win, but you do get some lovely parting gifts, including the prison cell version of the game.'

Why most parents would rather drop the charges than take their kids to court.

'Your Honor, I object. My client should be judged by a jury of his own bears.'

We are faced with a dilemma about why American social fabric is unravelling with such bewildering violence...fry a few people to make ourselves feel better about it!

'My conscience is clear. I've issued an apology to the families of anyone I wrongfully sentenced to death.'