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Accountants just want to have fun...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

"Can I borrow those kittens for an hour? I want to freak out the people who had me spayed."

'That would be a whole lot funnier if it weren't hooked up to your colostomy bag.'

"I never know when you're kidding."

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."

"I can't explain it. I see that guy coming up the walkway and I go postal."

'Tell us what you've done with all the grass!'

'Alright, alright, you've won your bet: You can lift me with one hand...'

'You won't hear that funny noise anymore. I turned up the volume on your radio and pulled off the knob.'

'Of course creative writing is important. You want to write home for money when you go away to college,don't you?'

'We ran some samples at the lab... it's dirt alright.'

'Center for the Study of Murphy's Law' (Closed today because everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.)

"Shark salting a man before it eats him."

'Nobody likes a smartass, Bob.'

'That one's dyslexic.'

'The specialist gave me this medicine for my hearing loss. He said two drops a day in my beer, but so far I haven't noticed any improvements.'

'Does that mean 1 in 5 people actually enjoy it. . .?'

'I believe we got your blood pressure back up to normal.'

'Ha ha... Very funny!'

"What the difference between these two old men?"

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

'Where does the teacher get this? Wilbur shows no motivation in class!'

'We don't call it torture anymore - it's occupational therapy!'

'My doctor says I should try to have more fun at work.'

Kid to kid about boat: 'Must be one of those charter schools I keep hearing about.'

Is your glass half full or half empty? Who cares, fill her up!

'Do you want the correct answer or the politically correct answer?'

'This is alphabet soup, Mom. I don't use the alphabet in the summer.'

April 1 (April fools' day)

Due to company cutbacks please only photocopy one buttock.

'All of our guests are required to wear Groucho safety glasses.'

"I may come to regret this one." (Tattoo reads 'do not resuscitate).

This is Dr. Thompson - He'll be making you fit into your suit today.