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"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Probably giving evidence at some sort of industrial tribunal....heh!'

"There's another one of those blokes that work from home."

"I'm looking for an assistant who knows my job, will do my job, and has no interest in having my job."

"We're able to use you, Crampton… everything but the 'oink'."

'What went particularly well?'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

"I see by your r?sum? that i should have looked at it before inviting you for an interview."

Not only have we been laid off, but, being small, we can crawl through air ducts with ease.

Will work for question marks.

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

Well the good news is that you'll be leading the team...And the BAD news...you ARE the team!

'Your work experience, résumé and references are all perfectly adequate...but nothing seems to stand out.'

'Have you worked at a non-profit before?' 'Yes! and believe it or not, they blamed me!'

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'

'I told the interviewer that I walked away from a six-figure job. I just left out the part about the security escort.'

"And this is our head of HR who will be arranging your contract."

'Do you see yourself as a team player?'

"Do you ever feel like you're just here for the paycheck?"

'Candor is a plus.'

"Well, I made you a job offer and you accepted. I guess the only thing left is for me to read you your Miranda rights."

'Tell me why you want to work here. Tell me why anyone would want to work here.'

"And what makes you think you have the necessary qualities for working on the bins?"

'You do realize that this isn't going to look good on my resume?'

"Sorry, but we're looking for someone with more experience."

"Any other job skills besides whistling while you work?"

'This sounds promising... 'Help wanted: Live Bait'...'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'